‘Tis the season of joy, celebration, and (for this year) avoidance of the normal family get togethers and raging holiday parties we all love on account of a big ole global pandemic that seems to permeate our lives on every level more and more as the days go by. What I’m saying is, all that fun stuff we’ve done every year is kind of off the table for 2020 – at least as we’ve always known it. This means more people are not going out and, instead, will be looking for ways to celebrate within the walls of their own homes and with the loved ones (or asshole roommates) they live with.
In an effort to make your time all snuggled up and safe inside more entertaining while a constant feeling of anxiety and dread floats just underneath your consciousness, I present to you ten non-traditional Christmas films (yes, I said CHRISTMAS films) for you to enjoy and take your mind off what we CANNOT (or should not) do this season. And I’m just gonna jump right in, because nobody reads long-winded introductions to lists or to recipes, right? I don’t need eight hundred words about how your grandmother made macaroni and cheese every Sunday and what that meant to you – just get to the damn recipe.
So here we go!
1. GREMLINS (1984)
What a wonderful way to start the season with this mean little classic produced by Mr. Movies himself, Steven Spielberg. GREMLINS is tale of little monsters who, much like children, do everything they can to absolutely ruin CHRISTMAS for the residents of the small town I can’t remember the name of.
This movie is so much fun and great for all ages assuming your kids aren’t super sheltered pansies who get too scared when anything but Sesame Street is on. Give them a dose of the awesomeness that were the movies we grew up with in the 80’s. Those movies scared the shit out of us and we LOVED it! I mean, look how well adjusted we are – they’ll be fine.
Also, Joe Dante’s film is clearly an indictment of the way Christmas has become about capitalism and less about Jesus. The gremlins are a metaphor for rampant consumerism and how it absolutely destroys the true meaning of the holiday. No, I do not plan on justifying that analysis and I will not be taking questions at this time.
2. BATMAN RETURNS (1992)
Tim Burton’s follow up to his global box office hit, BATMAN, is clearly the best Batman film there is – and it’s all because of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman. I mean, come on. If her performance in this film did not just absolutely inform and shape who you are as a human being, if it did not inspire you to learn all of her fight choreography and mimic her lines while alone in your bedroom, then you are clearly not a homosexual and you should be ashamed of yourself.
There is plenty of CHRISTMAS stuff in this one like mistletoe, giant wrapped gifts that explode, and the killing of a beauty queen with the title of “Ice Princess” by pushing her vapid ass off of a building. Truly better than eggnog.
3. THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS (1982)
Yes, I know, the word “whore” is not used any longer. It is demeaning and dated, and I have nothing but respect for the folks who make a living in this industry. However, THE BEST LITTLE SEX WORKER HOUSE IN TEXAS just does not have the same ring to it, so we’re moving on.
Directed by Colin Higgins, a fantastic writer/director who was taken from the world far too soon, the film stars Burt Reynolds and the indomitable Dolly Parton (there are two types of people in this world – those who love Dolly Parton, and those who can go f**k themselves) and is an energetic, hilarious, delightful musical romp that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. Nothing. Except for the song Hard Candy Christmas that the newly unemployed sex workers sing at the end of the film as they pack their belongings and leave the shuttered whorehouse. Despite its purpose in the film and its meaning, Hard Candy Christmas is played in constant rotation on the radio during the holiday season. So, if that song is a Christmas song, then BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS is absolutely a CHRISTMAS movie.
4. THE WAR OF THE ROSES (1989)
Not every family works out. Sometimes it’s best to let the pieces stay broken and walk away, because super gluing a smashed Staffordshire figurine back together will result in some horrific Frankenstein’s monster-like relic of what once was that is hardly recognizable and will cut your hand wide open if you touch it. But you can’t blame Oliver for trying.
Danny DeVito directs this comedic fairy tale starring Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas who play Oliver and Barbara Rose, a married couple that just can’t seem to get it right – mostly because he still loves her and wants to rekindle their relationship and she absolutely hates his guts. Oliver won’t take no for an answer, though, because he is a man. And men are stupid.
The film is stacked with classic CHRISTMAS themes – importance of family, persistence of spirit, and pissed on fish. The tragedy of this failed relationship is embodied in the Christmas tree that catches fire, the important and sentimental past gift that is flattened, and the third act where Oliver and Barbara throw everything away and, to the horror of their loved ones, do everything they can to brutally murder each other – you know, just like Mom and Dad.
5. THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT (1996)
On December 24th, Santa leaves the North Pole and travels around the world delivering presents to all the children. Much like Santa, the antihero of LONG KISS GOODNIGHT covers a lot of ground, but instead of leaving bicycles and dolls, she leaves bullet-riddled corpses.
Geena Davis is Samantha Caine, a small town housewife suffering from amnesia who suddenly discovers (after going through a windshield while leaving a CHRISTMAS party) that her past forgotten life may be a helluva lot more exciting than baking pies and riding in Christmas parades. So, she hooks up with a P.I. played by Samuel L. Jackson and they hit the road to uncover her past much like other holiday road movies where two people come to understand and appreciate each other after difficult situations – like being drowned or shot at by CIA.
This movie will comfort you like a giant, fiery, explosion in the cold of December. So hit play, grab a cup of hot cocoa, and nestle into your jammies as though you were a fully loaded magazine sliding into an AK-47.
6. EYES WIDE SHUT (1999)
Who can resist Stanley Kubrick’s lighthearted take on the importance of family and tradition told through the eyes of Bill, played whimsically by Tom Cruise. This heart-warming story about a husband who begins to truly understand his wife (Nicole Kidman) after a night of spiritual awakening, will stay with you long after the screen turns to black.
On a cold night during the CHRISTMAS season, Bill goes out into the world alone to find adventure and, after meeting a tight knit group of church goers, ends up discovering the power of secrets, and the deeper meaning of his life.
It’s the Illuminati meets It’s a Wonderful Life and it is GLORIOUS.
It took over a year to film this masterpiece and, while it won no Oscars, it did take home the award for Longest Continuous Film Shoot from the Guinness Book of World Records. You will marvel at how good Tom Cruise is in this film despite the fact that, instead of making huge blockbusters and taking home hundreds of millions of dollars, he was doing 300 takes for a scene where he walks through a door.
7 – 9. GOODFELLAS, CASINO, and THE IRISHMAN
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jeff – you’ve gone TOO FAR NOW.” Oh no, no I haven’t. And I am NOT being funny.
Martin Scorsese’s quintessential trilogy is without question perfect for this time of year. The themes of family, commitment, loyalty, and love permeate through the narratives. And each one has its own, unique, CHRISTMAS scene – placing them all firmly in the holiday movie canon.
Look at it this way, Christmas means you have a lot to do. Even if you’re staying home. You have to send out the Christmas cards, wrap presents, make the treats, and cook the big meals – and what better backdrop for all your holiday tasks than three magnificent films totaling 436 hours of watch time. As the priest leaves Robert DeNiro alone in his room at the old folk’s home and the credits roll, you’ll have everything done!
Also, red is a predominate color for Christmas – and there is A LOT of red in these sugarplums of cinema.
10. DIE HARD 2
Yes, we’ve all heard the debate. Families and friendships have been ruined in the Thunder Dome of discourse labeled, “Is DIE HARD a Christmas movie?”
One man (Bruce Willis) overcomes insurmountable odds and forms new friendships while fighting to bring his family together for CHRISTMAS. There is no QUESTION that DIE HARD is a Christmas movie, and so is DIE HARD 2 – because it’s basically the same story but John McClane fights terrorists at an airport and not in a building.
DIE HARD is a Christmas mainstay for me, but I felt it was important to highlight this gripping, joyful, sequel that will give you the holiday cheer you’ll crave when you hang up on the idiot who is telling you to watch a REAL Christmas movie. Believe me, A Christmas Story does not have a monopoly on characters getting their eyes shot out (or pierced with an icecicle).
There you have it! And yes, I know – aside from a few titles, this list is hardly groundbreaking. I’m not here to forge new roads; I’m here to show you mine. And I hope this lineup will inspire you to add your own films the naysayers will balk at, because you know what? All that matters is what YOU enjoy. And what these films inspire in your little heart.
Merry Christmas, folks. Happy viewing.
Oh – and for the haters, I leave you with this:
